What to Do Instead of Always Saying “I’m Sorry”

I’m sorry to bother you.

I’m sorry to hear that.

I’m sorry I’m late.

I’m sorry I can’t go.

Have you ever noticed how often you say “I’m sorry”?

Have you ever struggled to know what to say instead?

As a recovering people pleaser overusing “I’m sorry” is something that I’ve struggled with and sometimes still do.

For example, yesterday I couldn’t find the Zoom link for a meeting. The searching took longer than expected and I showed up two minutes late. I really don’t like being late.

My brain was screaming at me to say “I’m sorry” and trying to not say it was like trying to hold back wild horses. Woah, Nelly!

It’s my learned tendency. I almost wrote that it’s my “natural” tendency but that wouldn’t be correct. It’s habitual behavior that became automatic as a result of years of repetition. It’s not natural. It’s learned.

When I was 8-years-old, my parents divorced. Faced with trying to provide for four kids, my mom went back to school to try to get a job that would pay enough to support us. We had many tough times and we struggled. It was hard to see someone I dearly love and respect struggle, so I did all I could to not add to an already overburdened plate. And, I developed a fear of ever being a burden.   

That fear has shown up in people pleasing and overly using the phrase, “I’m sorry.”

Neuroscience proves that repetitive behaviors create deep neural pathways in your brain that lead to auto-pilot behavior. Luckily, neuroscience also proves that we can change our brains and thus replace non-serving automatic behaviors with more helpful ones.

My current favorite way to retrain my brain around this, is to swap apologizing with appreciating. Rather than saying “I’m sorry,” I say “thank you” instead.

For example, when I was late yesterday, instead of saying “I’m sorry” to my colleagues as I would normally have done, I instead said, “thank you for your patience”.

If you tend to over-apologize, maybe try these alternatives instead:
– Swap “I’m sorry to bother you” with “thank you for your time.”
– Swap “I’m sorry to hear that” with “thank you for sharing.”
– Swap “I’m sorry I’m late” with “thank you for your patience.”
– Swap “I’m sorry, but I can’t go” with “thank you for inviting me.”

Apologizing when you’ve done something wrong is a strength, over-apologizing isn’t.

It’s hard to unlearn deep-rooted behavior (aka habits), but it is possible.

And, if you’re anything like me, you might keep catching yourself saying “I’m sorry” for months to come.

Rather than getting frustrated, discouraged, or beating yourself up for it, choose to show yourself as much empathy as you show others and appreciate what you are doing. “Thank you, self, for seeing that.” Or “Thank you, self, for trying.”

Have you ever struggled with overusing “I’m sorry”? What do you say instead