90 Seconds to a Calmer, Happier You

“Listen, all y’all, it’s a sabotage. Listen, all y’all, it’s a sabotage….”

This Beastie Boys song got me thinking about sabotage, specifically self-sabotage.

Research shows that every day each of us in actively engaging in sabotage of some kind. Usually, that active self-sabotaging is happening in one of three key areas: performance, relationships, and/or wellbeing.

How can we be so sure?

Research also provides a clear indicator – when we are staying in negative emotions for more than a few seconds, we’re engaging in self-sabotage.

“Wait. Aren’t negative emotions good for you?”

Great question! 

A related question that can help best answer that is: “Is pain good for you?”

The answer is… absolutely! I once read of a girl born without pain receptors. Her parents struggled daily just to keep her safe.

Imagine putting your hand on a hot stove. You want to feel that pain because it alerts you that you need to do something.

But, the critical question is, how long do you need to keep your hand on that hot stove before you get the message?

Only a few seconds, right? Otherwise, you risk causing significant harm.

It’s the same with negative emotions. They are valuable as an alert or signal. But, you engage in self-sabotage when you keep listening to those thoughts that keep your hand on that hot stove – anger, fear, guilt, anxiety, self-doubt, etc.

According to Harvard trained neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, when events trigger reactions such as anger in your body, “…It will flush through you and flush out of you in less than 90 seconds….”

That means if you’re feeling stress-provoking emotions like anger, fear, guilt, self-doubt, etc. for longer than 90 seconds, it’s because of the script you keep playing in your mind.

Example: “I can’t believe he just said that to me! That was so mean! In our last meeting, he also said some hurtful things. I can’t believe him! I think he’s trying to make me look bad on purpose. Oh my gosh! Maybe he’s trying to take my job. Our boss did say they would be making changes. Does that mean there will be a reduction in headcount? Am I in jeopardy? What if our boss decides that he’s better suited than me? What if I lose my job? How will I pay my mortgage? Oh no! I’m going to end up on the streets! etc. etc. etc.”

Every thought that retriggers those emotions, restarts the clock because you’ve re-released the chemicals in your body that need to get flushed out again.

So, what can you do instead?

1. Don’t try to push the thoughts or feelings away. What we resist persists. Know that having them is completely normal.
2. Notice them. Allow them to be there.
3. Rather than choosing to focus on the thought or feeling or get in a negative spiral, choose to focus all of your attention on one physical sensation instead. Place all of your focused attention on a sight, sound, taste, smell, or sensation of touch until you feel calm.

Dr. Bolte Taylor suggests looking at a clock, focusing on the seconds passing for the 90 seconds.

My favorite way is to focus on the rise and fall of my chest or stomach as I breathe, noticing the speed and depth of my breathing. When I’m stressed, my breathing tends to get shallow and rapid. As I focus on my breathing, I also try to deepen it and slow it down. This helps me stop pushing the panic button that gets my amygdala highjacked so that rather than reacting, I can respond better.

Brain imaging tells us that only one part of your brain can be activated at a time. If stress, fear, anger, etc. has activated the fight, flight, freeze or please response in your brain, you aren’t able to activate the part of your brain that enables insight, inspiration, creativity, emotional regulation, response flexibility – all of the things needed to best find solutions.

So, to even effectively process those feelings or thoughts, first use focused awareness to activate the part of your brain that will most serve you.

Viktor Frankl said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

True growth and freedom comes from actively choosing your focus instead of staying stuck in negative spirals and actively self-sabotaging.

If you want to treat root causes rather than just symptoms, build powerful habits, and massively improve your performance, relationships and wellbeing with research-based tools, my 8-week Mental Fitness Bootcamp is opening up again in a few weeks.