5 Ways to Receive In Order to Give Better

In order to give better, we also need to receive. As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve struggled with this and sometimes still do. I’m not alone in this. Many of my clients are givers and people pleasers who feel guilty not doing something in return for a kindness paid to them.

Why? Why do we do this?

Perhaps it’s because when giving we often feel more in charge, more in control. In receiving, however, we often feel more vulnerable. Giving is often thought of as active and strong but receiving as passive and weak. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Receiving is very active and can even be more difficult to do.

I was confronted with this recently. A client and friend of mine is an author. The third book in her current series, which has been super enjoyable to read, was just released. I pre-ordered this book to be able read it as soon as it was available. 

As an avid reader, I love books! And, before starting the story, I always read the dedication, contents and acknowledgements pages. I’m not sure why. Actually, I know that I read the contents to know how many chapters there are in order to know where I am in relation to the story wrapping up as I go along and to see if there is an epilogue that I’ll get to read, but I’m not sure why I feel the need to read the others, it just feels more whole and complete when I do.

While going along, enjoying reading the acknowledgements of my client’s book before starting the story, I was stopped in my tracks. I actually had to reread what it said a few times to make sure I was seeing it correctly. It was my name! I was in someone’s book! Tears immediately filled my eyes as she shared how the coaching we’ve done together has impacted her, I was both stunned and overjoyed. To say I was honored would be the understatement of the year. It truly touched me.

The thing is, I immediately wanted to do something in return. And not just something, but something BIG. I caught the thought that I NEEDED to do something, checked it to see if it was 100% accurate (it wasn’t) and was then able to change it to knowing that it’s okay to just receive. It wasn’t easy though. I had to talk myself in to it and even get my husband’s help to simply allow someone to do something for me without both feeling the need to do something in return and to not feel guilty by choosing not to. 

Do you ever find that it’s easy to give, but not so easy to receive?

Here are five things that I do to help me receive in order to give better:

1. BREATHE. When someone does or says something nice, I can actually feel my breathing constrict. Anxious feelings begin to flood through me and I think things like “What can I do in return?” or “What do I do?” I feel a bit overwhelmed as I think I have to do something in return and guilty if I don’t. Breathing helps me to relax and engage a better part of my brain so that I can respond and act rather than react.
2. REMEMBER. Remember what? There’s a scripture that asks, what does it profit a person a gift bestowed, that isn’t received? The person doesn’t rejoice in the gift given nor in the giver of the gift. One of my core values is contribution. I don’t give to receive, but in giving to someone who smiles or authentically appreciates what I’ve given, I too am gifted. My soul lights up even brighter. I can’t be alone in feeling that way. So, I remember that in simply receiving from someone else, I am giving to them in return.   
3. SMILE. It wasn’t until my early 20s that someone gave me a compliment and responded to how I received the compliment in a way that has always stayed with me. Afraid that I might come across as conceited and also just feeling a bit awkward (most likely from the vulnerability), I used to feel grateful inside, but outwardly dismiss a compliment or explain it away. Sometimes I even did such a good job explaining it away that I bought into believing they were only saying it to be nice. Well, it wasn’t until someone was courageous enough to call me out on how I responded that my life was changed. He did me a great service that day when he simply looked at me and said: “Can’t you just smile and say ‘thank you’”? That has forever stayed with me.
4. GIVE THANKS. Gratitude is one of the fastest ways to both raise your own energy levels and to attract more good things. It’s practically impossible to discount something and be truly grateful for it at the same time. Appreciation can be expressed in several ways. If someone lets you in front of them when you’re driving, you can simply raise your hand and give them a kind wave. If someone smiles at you, you can smile back. If someone gives you a compliment, you can use words to appreciate it rather than brush it aside. You can say “thank you”, “I appreciate that” or as a friend of mine says “Yum. I receive that. Thank you.”
5. RECEIVE. When someone gives to you, allow yourself 10 seconds to let the warmth fill your heart and empty spaces. Just receiving can sometimes be the hardest step. You might even have to sit on your hands to not do something in return. Don’t cheat others out of the yummy feelings of giving. Allow them the fun of giving too and allow your pitcher to be filled as you receive.

We can give more easily as we learn to refill our tanks through receiving. We can learn to give not from a place of exhaustion, resentment or emptiness, but a place of energy, love, and fulfillment. Giving from a full heart rather than “miss-giving” is replenishing and sustaining. Giving from a full heart brings peace and joy. Receiving helps you to give better. Receive.